The Wonder Woman/Diana Prince conundrum

Or, the paradox of making oneself big while making oneself small, wanting to be seen and unseen.

Ever since I saw the Amy Cuddy TED Talk on body language, I've worked to incorporate two-minute moments of "making myself big" to increase my confidence and projection of power. 

A couple months ago, I was doing the "Wonder Woman" as I watched the sunrise and realized I was sucking in my stomach and imaging slimmer thighs. My feet were hip distance apart, my center of gravity was solid, my elbows were out, my shoulders were back, my spine was straight and my chin was up and slightly out, all in an effort to alter my cortisol and testosterone levels and (according to Amy) increase my confidence. However, subconsciously or out of habit or something, I was simultaneously trying to make my body smaller.

I want to want to be big, but apparently I want to be small more.

This realization coincided with another one.

Last November, I got reading glasses for the first time. I only need them for looking at the screen and reading, but I immediately took to wearing them all day at the office. 

I felt like the bespectacled me was invisible ... blended into the background. And I found an odd comfort in that.

Like most kids, I never understood how no one recognized Wonder Woman as soon as Diana Prince put on her glasses (the same confusing concept applies to Superman/Clark Kent). But now, I totally get it.

No longer at my physical peak, I eased into a habit of actions that make me less noticeable. 

When I shop, I catch myself rejecting clothing for being "too interesting" or "too unique". I don't want to appear to be trying to draw attention to myself.

I'm not Wonder Woman, I'm Middle Aged Mommy. And MAM wears black or gray yoga pants and sweatshirts on weekends and figure forgiving work clothes that hide Vegemite smears left by a certain 3-year-old. 

However, similar to wanting to make myself big and more confident, I want to be seen. I want my work to be valued, for it to contribute to the success of the organisation. I want my ideas to carry weight. I want to continue to advance my career.

However, it would seem, I just don't want to look like I want to.